Not much has changed in the previous ~month. Life still revolves around Monday chemotherapy sessions. The big blue recliner over by the windows at UPMC Hillman Cancer Center is my one throne to rule them all.
The side effects have been a bit worse over the previous two weeks. I could speculate on why, but will save it for asking the doc. At this point, there is definitely a bit of a learned response. Given recent history, just the sight of the infusion pump becomes enough to incite some queasiness. But there are a number of physiological responses that seem well beyond mere perception. The side effects now hit a peak on Monday evenings and slowly diminish through the week. I never feel normal, but by Wednesday or Thursday can do some things. By the time that I begin to feel substantially better, it’s time to go back in.
I hate to admit much less type this out. But in some respects, I’m passing time. Sure, I see and enjoy the many gifts around me, try to serve others and learn something every day, not waste (time) my most valuable resource, and grow closer to God. But most days, almost everything is a bit of a chore. …And those hours where all there is to do is press my knuckles to the back of my forehead, and pray. Did I mention that I never really feel normal ; ). Even on great days, a cloud looms. The future is still uncertain (more than it always is). I eagerly await the next CT scan. Not that I need a doctor to give permission to live a somewhat normal lifespan. But I keep hoping… At some point it would be nice to hear some indication that we have a decent long term plan and my chances are…good!
Thanks for hearing some gripes in my time of reflecting out loud.
“I just wanna stay in the sun where I find
I know it’s hard sometimes
Pieces of peace in the son’s peace of mind…”
[ Still a Twenty One Pilots fan ]
In the mean time, today, I will keep doing more of the things of the living. I’ll see the joy and seek out goodness, bring light to others, and trust the Lord with the process and outcomes.
I’m moving a few weights against gravity again, not pushing it. Despite the internal chemical environment, continued various losses, some strength and body weight is returning. With this I’m highly curious, as some of you would imagine. I just do the work of conservative progression, trying not to think too much of lesions in bone and red blood cells, among other things. “A little more iron than a week ago” is my own home remedy, unproven, alternative, cancer treatment. Anecdotally, it’s a most therapeutic offering! It’s also good, both physically and mentally, to move and hang out with my sons and the guys in the basement. I mostly sit around; do a little chiefing. Sometimes it’s hard not to do your job. Thankfully, I have plenty of work to do. Not just in the clinic or weight room.
Thank you again for so much support.